Four lessons (...)

Spending the last few days alone made me realised four things.

• My perception can change everything 

It's normal to fall into a slump sometimes but what's important is I snap myself out of it. For the past few days, I didn't let myself listen to the songs that would affect me and if I accidentally played them, I refused to succumb to my sadness or even write about it. I knew what were my trigger for tears and stopped thinking about those issues.

I'm ashamed to say I sobbed the first night then teared a little on the second. I knew you would have hated that. By the third day, I still find myself thinking of you, especially when I received good news because you were always the first one I turned to with good news, but I felt tranquility for the first time since forever. I am in control of my own emotions and I never even knew how much control I had till today.

I gave myself a break and stopped blaming everything on myself. For once, I learned to love myself, accept compliments and lived for myself; I didn't even do that on purpose, it just gradually happened. Instead of my usual volatile mood swings, I feel like I'm surrounded by serenity. Everything became brighter, the bleak future suddenly felt warm and hopeful. I guess, the world is not as bad as I thought it was after all.

• It's okay to not be okay

Initially I kept asked myself why but now I know change is necessary and inevitable. It's okay to leave some things unresolved, it's okay to not rush through things just because it's expected of us, it's okay to slow down, it's okay to have different opinions. Sometimes it's necessary to take a break so that we have the energy to continue the journey.

When I face a problem, my first instinct is to solve it; I focus so much on how to solve this problem and overthink, resulting in me missing out the better things in life. I've since learned to slow down and just enjoy the pace of life. Sometimes things don't happen the way I want them to, but that's okay because I'll still be okay in the end.

• My happiness relies on myself

I've relied on others for my happiness for long enough. It's time for me to take charge of my own happiness. In the past, I needed validation from others. They tell be I'll be fine, I'm good enough, my work is of excellent quality. When I receive no such affirmation, I assumed I'm not doing well causing me to feel paranoid and insecure. When I'm upset and the people I turned to did not reply fast enough, I thought I wasn't important and they didn't care about me.

It hasn't been this case for the past few days. I don't need others to tell me what I am or what I'm not; nobody knows me better than myself. For once in a long while, I feel okay with myself. I don't need constant assurance or replies to feel better. I don't have to compare myself to anyone else because I'm living my own life and nobody leads the same life. I'm fine with not having what other people have and I'm okay with moving at my own speed so long as I'm comfortable with it.

I know this sounds cliché but I spent the last few years looking for someone to love me when all I needed was to love myself. The few nights I spent alone reflecting taught me I have to love myself before anyone can even love me. I kept trying to find someone who could fix me when all I needed to fix was my perception, give myself a break and stop being my own biggest critique. When I find peace within myself, everything will fall into place. I realised, hey you know, I can survive on my own.

I never understood why people say, "find someone you don't need in your life but still want to have" but today I finally got it. The fact that I don't need anyone for my survival but still chose to be around the people I hang out with makes things even more precious.

• How fulfilling heavy workloads can actually be

I always loved school, and have always made it clear to everyone that I love whatever I'm doing. But this week, in particular, made me understand the saying "the roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet." There's no better feeling than getting praised for something you've worked so hard on and getting A(s) for unexpected assignments. 

At least when I'm busy, I know I'm doing something productive with my life instead of wasting my years away not knowing what's up or what's coming for me. Times like these I'm motivated to go on despite the crazy last three weeks of school. 

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I keep forgetting how much control I have over my life. Nothing makes me sadder than me and nothing makes me happier than me.

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