你曾是我寻找的幸福
Thursday, August 18, 2016
(written 15 January 2016 — within 24 hours of our break up)
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I know this won't be the last time I mourn over our relationship yet at the same time I'm aware that nothing will change. Talking to you again only opened up the wounds I thought I healed. My mom always said you have to be with someone for two years before you see their true colours. A little after our second anniversary, this happened. Ha, mothers know best, don't they?
Tonight I sit on my sofa again, hugging the bunny you surprised me with back when we were dating. Funny how you bought Fluffy for me so that I would throw away the bunny my ex gave me and now you joined my list of ex-boyfriends. I wanted this to work out. I wanted it to.
I had so much plans for the both of us. I pinned so much hopes on us, I painted you to be The One. But looking back, maybe I was the only one who felt this way. The words you told me were clear as day. That you stayed because you felt an obligation to, not because of love. Maybe you once loved me but you have since moved on. That's fine, people change.
I only wished you had the courage to walk out earlier instead of keeping me waiting like a fool. Do you know how selfish you were to keep me waiting for you, rejecting those who could have given me a chance at the happiness I always imagined we would have? You denied me of the chance to be loved by anyone else. Because what? You were cowardly and didn't dare to tell me you stopped loving me? You were selfish and wanted someone by your side?
To forget you after so long? I don't know how long it'll take. A few months? A couple of years? We've created too much memories. I loved you too much, too hard. I can look at anything and think of you. I think of the embarrassing incidents we had and how we were so comfortable we could laugh things off instead of being awkward and uncomfortable.
See. Do you see it? We could have worked out perfectly. We were so in love, we were so similar, we were both working so hard towards our future. At one point, we had everything but now we are nothing.
Because you are no longer the guy I fell in love with.
You changed. There's no way around this. You changed and ruined this relationship. You said I was the one destroying us and for a moment, I bought your story and blamed myself. You focused on my lies, forgetting to take a look at yourself. If you hadn't lied to me about her, would I have found the need to lie about snooping?
Looking back, I can see that you were the one who went and throw away whatever we had. So many times I tried to pull you back, so many times I reminded you of what we had but you refused to listen. I reminded you of how happy we used to be but you were too proud to change. Even when I told you to put your ego down and talk to me, you found the need to lie. You never saw the pain you inflicted on me.
Eventually, you walked out.
You walked out on the girl who tolerated your bad temper when you were in army, the girl who apologised to you just because you were in a bad mood. You walked out on the girl who waited two years for you and was willing to wait even longer, just for you to settle down. You left because you felt like you weren't making full use of your youth yet you forgot about the girl who spent the last of her teenage years counting down till your return.
I want to say I hate you for leading me on but I know those words will never come out of my mouth. I know my weakness too well. Despite everything, I still wish nothing but happiness for you.
Maybe that's that happened to you.
---
I know this won't be the last time I mourn over our relationship yet at the same time I'm aware that nothing will change. Talking to you again only opened up the wounds I thought I healed. My mom always said you have to be with someone for two years before you see their true colours. A little after our second anniversary, this happened. Ha, mothers know best, don't they?
Tonight I sit on my sofa again, hugging the bunny you surprised me with back when we were dating. Funny how you bought Fluffy for me so that I would throw away the bunny my ex gave me and now you joined my list of ex-boyfriends. I wanted this to work out. I wanted it to.
I had so much plans for the both of us. I pinned so much hopes on us, I painted you to be The One. But looking back, maybe I was the only one who felt this way. The words you told me were clear as day. That you stayed because you felt an obligation to, not because of love. Maybe you once loved me but you have since moved on. That's fine, people change.
I only wished you had the courage to walk out earlier instead of keeping me waiting like a fool. Do you know how selfish you were to keep me waiting for you, rejecting those who could have given me a chance at the happiness I always imagined we would have? You denied me of the chance to be loved by anyone else. Because what? You were cowardly and didn't dare to tell me you stopped loving me? You were selfish and wanted someone by your side?
To forget you after so long? I don't know how long it'll take. A few months? A couple of years? We've created too much memories. I loved you too much, too hard. I can look at anything and think of you. I think of the embarrassing incidents we had and how we were so comfortable we could laugh things off instead of being awkward and uncomfortable.
See. Do you see it? We could have worked out perfectly. We were so in love, we were so similar, we were both working so hard towards our future. At one point, we had everything but now we are nothing.
Because you are no longer the guy I fell in love with.
You changed. There's no way around this. You changed and ruined this relationship. You said I was the one destroying us and for a moment, I bought your story and blamed myself. You focused on my lies, forgetting to take a look at yourself. If you hadn't lied to me about her, would I have found the need to lie about snooping?
Looking back, I can see that you were the one who went and throw away whatever we had. So many times I tried to pull you back, so many times I reminded you of what we had but you refused to listen. I reminded you of how happy we used to be but you were too proud to change. Even when I told you to put your ego down and talk to me, you found the need to lie. You never saw the pain you inflicted on me.
Eventually, you walked out.
You walked out on the girl who tolerated your bad temper when you were in army, the girl who apologised to you just because you were in a bad mood. You walked out on the girl who waited two years for you and was willing to wait even longer, just for you to settle down. You left because you felt like you weren't making full use of your youth yet you forgot about the girl who spent the last of her teenage years counting down till your return.
I want to say I hate you for leading me on but I know those words will never come out of my mouth. I know my weakness too well. Despite everything, I still wish nothing but happiness for you.
"Over time your atoms will change and you'll be made out of entirely different stuff."
Maybe that's that happened to you.