I was in love with your boyfriend
Thursday, July 21, 2016
First of all, I'm sorry.
When I met him, my heart didn't skip a beat. The world did not stop spinning. His smile did not take my breath away. The stars didn't start shining for him. The sun didn't burn brighter because his gaze met mine. The moon rose at the same time, with or without him.
But that seemingly typical day was the start of my emotional roller coaster.
I was as clueless as you. I never knew about you. Well trained and a professional, he always mentioned that you were "just a friend" and rejected your efforts in reaching out in front of me to prove his point. Just like me to you, you were another name in his contact list as far as I knew.
Still, I was wary. I spotted the warning signs but chose to him the benefit of doubt. Several times. Too many times. Till it was impossible to turn a blind eye. Despite my resistance, he persisted. I almost caught a glimpse of the smirk on his face when he discovered how easy it was to lure me back into his game. I was a puppet trapped in his ploy of letting me wait, his act of making empty promises to a girl who only wanted happiness.
We were both strung along in his manipulative game. I supposed I saw the same things in him as you did. He has his way with words and we were weak to his charismatic ways. A charming man he sure was — contradicting my volatile emotions that no one could handle, he had an aura of calmness that I got addicted to.
I was young and weak. Fresh out of a relationship, I opened up my heart to whoever paid attention to me because I lost the guy whom I wanted to spend my life with. There was nothing I wanted more desperately than to move on from my heartbreak. I was furious with myself. Of course I was. I was mad that I could do this to someone else when I clearly remembered how painful it was to be cheated on.
He clung on because I was the forbidden fruit, someone who gave him that sense of thrill he lives for. I was another trophy he acquired. Call it what you may, but I was blinded by my nativity, a guileless belief that he could be my knight in shining armour, someone to pick me up when I was weak and protect me from the rain.
Ironically, he was the brewing storm who left me to face the typhoon on my own.
I let things spiraled when I had the chance to get out. I failed to comprehend the solemnity of the situation when I unknowingly fell in love with the boyfriend of another. I knew my place from the start. He didn't need to lie — I never questioned him, I knew when he was with you. You don't know me but I know every bit of you, from your dislikes to your past.
Just like you, I fell into his trap, that psychotic game he so disturbingly called love. Love? I winced each time he told me he loved me and cringed when he said that about you. I believe in love, but I'm not convinced that the monster in him can ever love. Trust me, I know you love him, because I did too. I know he says he loves you, he said that to me too. But I hope you know he never loved either of us. There's only one person in this world he loves — himself.
I never saw how blinded I was till one blogger I admired from a young age reached out to me. (Thank you, T.) That was when it began. He was hopelessly desperate as he strove to stir my distrust in an attempt to stop the communication — he didn't want me to see the light, he never wanted to admit that he's losing at his game. His despair was clearly evident even to the unsighted. He wanted to keep me blinded under his wings but it was too late.
Waves came crashing down and light bulbs were lit. Mulling over the situation, and what one of my favourite bloggers said, it took me only two weeks of distancing myself and travelling solo to see I was just his pastime. For the love and amount of understanding I've been pouring, I deserve someone who can love me with the whole of his heart. I quit when I saw how we were just figurines stuck in his deranged, delusional game to feed his ego.
By the end of the month I knew I had to get out. At the risk of being called a spoilt brat, I have to admit I'm a determined individual who always get what I want. I planned my escape and made sure I got what I wanted. I was brutal and cold-hearted when I made my exit. I made sure there was no other choice for him, only acceptance.
Only after leaving did I meet someone whom I know can love me with all of his heart. The one I want to tough things out with despite our vast differences because I know he's worth the while even if we don't work out. After rounds of dating jerks and douche bags, I finally found a guy my friends approve of. A person whose love I can say belong to me, and only me.
To you, I can only say I'm sorry it took so long. I should have vacated the moment I knew. The happiness I was looking for was never meant to be shared, and I hope you find that kind of happiness someday too, whether it's with your boyfriend or not.
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Dear John, don't you think I was too young to be played by your dark, twisted games?