Ten years from now

Where do you see yourself ten years from now?

This is a very common question but it freaks me out endlessly. At 19, I feel like I'm neither an adult nor a teen. I just passed my last teen birthday but we are only considered adults at 21. So what happens when you're 20?

To me, 20 will be the age of discovery. You lose the fake friends you made in secondary school and poly. You stop being this naive and innocent but gain more knowledge. You shed a part of you in order to grow and you can only hope you don't lose a part of you in your transition to adulthood.

When I think of me as an adult, there are two variations.

1. A career-driven woman with her dream job

I want to be in the advertising industry or social media marketing. But how many people can make it big? That's my worry. What if I don't earn enough to give my mom a comfortable life? I promised her I'll do my best so that our family will never ever have to worry about money again. But will my best be enough? How can I perform up to task and ensure that I don't disappoint anyone?
 

"Love your job and you'll never have to work a day for the rest of your life."

The woman that I see myself in ten years has never worked a day in her life. She can sacrifice her sleep to ensure that every pixel of her design is in place but she's happy doing that. She doesn't care about her pay or her position in the company - she just wants to be happy doing what she's passionate about. And that's a lot like me right now.

When I imagine myself at 29, I see a girl who's finally confident of her work and has proven that she's capable. I see a woman who is very focused and very passionate about the industry she's in. I see a woman taking pride in each and every of her design, I see a woman loving every campaign she's taken up.

At 29, earning more money will be a bonus, but my priority is still focused on making sure I constantly improve myself. I still want my designs to be near-perfect and they get the recognition they need. Maybe making money will be a worry later on in life but for now, I cannot imagine myself working in an industry just for the good pay.

However, I am fully aware that I cannot survive on passion alone. Passion doesn't pay my bills or give me food. Much as I'd like to focus all my energy on designing, making sure I get a good pay is another thing. And how do you define good pay when diplomas are the new O Level certs in our generation? I'm planning to stop at a diploma for now and start working as soon as possible. Is my choice the correct choice?

I am also neglecting office politics. I don't know how they work and I'm not sure if I can handle it well. I never liked sucking up to people, never knew how to say nice things to others just to please them. I'm just not that kind of person and I don't know how to make myself likeable either. Some people are just born with it, unfortunately not me. So many things I need to learn before entering the workforce. I know that's not who I am but sometimes circumstances don't let us be who we truly are, right?

2. I also see myself being a housewife with an adorable kid in ten years.

I've always said I wanted to be a housewife when I was younger because I didn't know where I was heading towards. Maybe this dream hasn't died in me or maybe it's the motherly instincts most girls are born with, but I also see myself as a supportive wife and caring mom.

I don't think I can ever do a better job than my mom but I see myself being the first teacher to my kid, nurturing him, teaching him life values that he will hold close to his heart. Yes, I see myself with a son because I think boys have cuter clothes in H&M lol. Okay, maybe I'm not ready to be a mom yet but I see myself ready by then hahahaha.

My future husband will hold me when I'm sad and take long, therapeutic walks with me when needed. We'll be a corny family, the kind you only see on television commercials. I will tighten his tie for him before he goes to work and he will always remember to give me a kiss if I'm still sleeping. I will wait for my future husband to return home and we will hug each other the moment he steps in. I don't want my son to grow up thinking affection is something to be ashamed about.

But what I'm forgetting is the fact that every family is dysfunctional on some level and mine will be too, in the future. I'm avoiding the adult stuff like struggling to get a car because of the ever rising COE, not being able to buy a flat because of insufficient funds in our CPF because I'll spend a lot of my CPF paying off my student loans. I'm choosing to not think about the insecurities, the fights, the yelling, the cries. But not thinking about them doesn't mean they don't exist.

I cannot imagine myself trusting someone to take care of me and be there for me for life. I am clingy, controlling, insecure and paranoid. I cannot imagine someone loving me unconditionally despite everything that I am. I cannot imagine someone telling me, "I'm willing to spend a lifetime with you despite all that you are." People tell me that's what true love is all about but how many of us really find true love in our lifetime?

I don't know, I'm just really in a dilemma.

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