爱他，就得让他走。
Sunday, January 17, 2016
But I surprised myself when I found out that would be the last time I cry over this. I didn't cry to sleep that night and I didn't wake up in tears either. No more tears, no more drunk nights, no more hiding myself in the toilet to puke. I'm going to be alright, and for once, I'm really sure of that. It's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, huh?
Still, I believe the process of breaking up, healing and moving on is a private thing and besides, both of us aren't even sure what's our status now so I didn't want to talk about it until things are established. But I guess some cynical tweets coupled with drunken snaps on my Snapchat (@pekyj), people started putting two and two together and I received some questions on my askfm, which I will not answer for now.
The best response I could give is this hastily Googled article that I found to be true, at least for us (link). Two adolescents on the verge of graduation, afraid of our future, not knowing what happens when we step foot into the working world. We're going to make lots of mistakes in our 20s - will this be one of them?
It hurts for me to not be in contact with him and it takes every single cell in me to resist stalking him on his social media accounts just to see how is he doing. At least I know he has a group of supportive friends and he's going to be okay. Making this decision was painful but, in that moment, I knew it was the most matured I've ever been in the past few years.
Taking a break is not necessary a bad thing. I see it as a time for us to rediscover ourselves and finding our identities again. Spending time apart from each other might just be more effective than ignoring the cracks in our relationship, which we have been doing. Maybe we will return to each other stronger and healthier. But of course, there's always the possibility that we will not bounce back from this.
It's a tough time for me now as I try to figure out where do we go from here, what I want and even who am I. I'm sure it's the same for him as well. We've been together for so long - almost 2.5 years - that we've lost ourselves. I guess we need to figure out if this is love we're feeling or attachment. Are we in love or in love with the idea of being in love? Do we still love each other or are we staying together because we got so used to having each other around?
And most importantly, one question I've been constantly asking myself: how can I love someone else if I don't love myself first?
That has been my problem in every relationship and I'm finally recognising that. I don't need someone else to love me, I'm the only one who needs to love myself. I think these two months will be good for me to find my self-worth and confidence. And I'm going to spend this time working on myself instead of worrying about things that never were.
Although I must say that being single after so long feels strange. Nobody cares what are my plans for the day, nobody asks who am I going out with, nobody's there to remind me to stop being a workaholic and go down for lunch, nobody to send me good night or good morning texts. Everyone wants someone who cares specially for them but I know this break is for the better. And the up side of this is that my phone's battery lasts a lifetime (2 days but that's a lifetime when it comes to iPhones) because I hardly pick up my phone to check for messages and I only reply when I'm in the mood.
I'm getting stronger but I'm not ready to talk about it on my blog yet. Plus, I'm rather protective of his privacy and I wouldn't want to say anything that would paint him as a bad guy. Maybe I will talk about us eventually. Someday, but just not today.
I'm only posting this now because I'm immensely thankful for all the people who appeared in my life since that day and I feel obligated to thank everyone. To those who left me a kind message, sent me encouraging snaps, gave me virtual hugs, thank you. I received so many messages in the past few days and I can only say, I didn't even know I have so many friends LOL.
The one who stayed up till 6am comforting me.
The one who constantly checks up on me to make sure I'm okay.
The one who told me she will beat him up if I want her to.
The one who sent me pages of long texts.
The one who replied immediately no matter the time of my texts, be it 12pm or 3am.
The one who took care of me while I was drunk.
The one who told me jokes to make me laugh (and I must add that I have a dark sense of humour).
And so many more who sent me quotes about being strong for myself.
You guys know who you are.
Thank you.
Looking back, despite everything, I'm incredibly blessed. :)