One Week On
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Of all the things he taught me, the lesson that stood out the most was that he taught me how to cry. Before I met him, I thought romance movies were melodramatic. I never shed a tear watching those movies - they were nothing but overdone movies with exaggerated emotions. I always shrugged off every tearjerker movie/drama recommendations made by my friends; I never understood how some of them could cry four times over the same movie.
When he left, I forced myself to watch the last movie we caught together. Never mind that my tears were freely flowing and my eyes were so swollen they hurt even when I blinked. It was then that I realised why romance movies were so cliche and corny. Why they said things that never made sense. Why would someone give up his/her life for another.
Because they loved.
So did I.
We met each other and started talking around Christmas when I was 16. I turned 20 exactly three weeks ago - two weeks before our break up - and up till that point, I was still so in love with this guy. After meeting him, Christmases became special occasions because that's when we first met.
I fell into a love so deep it scared myself. I loved so hard, so much that I never knew it was possible. He was the guy of my dreams and I might even say, he was the love of my life. I know!!! It's so cliche - as if I'm writing a script for the movies I always hated - but the fact that I'm saying it without cringing... Hahaha. He really meant something to me.
Maybe romance movies never meant anything to me because our love story was my favourite. But now it's over. From the first day he walked out of my life, I never looked at romance stories the same way again.
梦醒了，就该忘了。
One week on, I'm feeling much better. Instead of saying "I'll be okay", it's now "I'm okay". I know the sadness is still going to hit me periodically but with all the love everyone around me has been giving, I know that I'm going to get through this. No more tears this time round because I'm moving on.
I gave everything I got, even when there was nothing left; I gave him everything I had to give but he chose to throw it all away. I spent nights asking myself where have I gone wrong, way before our talk because I already knew where this relationship was headed. I finally understand that none of this is my fault.
I have tried my best and there's only so much I can do for someone who doesn't reciprocate. I have no regrets and will never have but I know one day the things he did will come back to haunt him. And he will forever remember the day he chose to walk away from someone who loved him more than she ever loved herself.
I'll keep trying to forget the good things he has done for me, keep reminding myself that he has changed and he no longer loves me. I'm going to stop trying to make things work with a stranger, stop blaming myself, stop spending my days in denial. He's not the man I used to know - that man would never hurt me like that. The man I love is never coming back.
I deserve all of this because I loved selflessly.
I believe that when I let go of the wrong person, the right one will come by. It might take months or years, but when it eventually happens, it's going to be beautiful. If I can love the wrong person so deeply, just imagine what I'll do when the right one comes by. If the wrong one can make me laugh so hard, how unbelievably happy would I be with the right person?
Meanwhile, I'm still going to continue believing in love and give everything I have to the people I love. I'm still going to be that silly, selfless fool who loves fearlessly. I won't let one guy shape my perception of love. Love is still beautiful.
我一定会找到属于我自己的小幸运。